The You’ist You
Y’all - I’ve been looking back at the past and reflecting in the last 2(ish) years. I know I’ve mentioned some of this in past entries, but I think the fact that my depression has resurfaced since the COVID explosion has caused me to think back on the period of time 2.5-3 years ago when I really decided to tackle it, and examine what I’ve learned and have been able to see since then clearly in hindsight. I wanted to share some of these things because you’re human, I’m human and chances are these basic ideas and conclusions are applicable to some area of your life as well.
Maybe, just maybe, this will reach someone who is at a fork in the road right now, scared to take the leap or end the relationship or myriad other things and will find this helpful.
And if it doesn’t reach anyone well then I guess I just cleaned out my closet and y’all are looking at the hot mess of an explosion that is me. I’m being really vulnerable here—
OMG Hill, who cares?! you’re probably thinking. Get to it, already! We just want to know how screwed up you are!
All right, all right, settle down. Here goes (and thanks for your support by the way, ya jerk.)
No prob, Hill! ::thumbs up::
Cheese and crackers! Can I just start this letter already?!
Hill -
Girl.
We gotta talk.
What in the Sam Hell are you doing?!
…in just about every sense of the question? What are you doing with those big life choices? The way you take your coffee? My god, just shape your eyebrows, FFS!
Seriously, though, the you’ist times of your life are behind you and ahead of you, well into your thirties (and hopefully beyond.)
But this spot you’re in right now, between 19 and 35? This is some effed up sh*t. That’s a long time to be flailing and not the best version of yourself.
Being your elder version and knowing what I know, perhaps I can provide some clarity. But also, let me be clear: as you get older and wiser, you will realize just how little you actually know. Make no mistake; it truly just boils down making the best decisions you can with the information you have. That’s it.
You think once you become an “adult” that things will feel different, right? That you’ll feel at ease with your decisions, that you’ll have a straight forward career path, that one day things will just click and you’ll have that “AH HA!” moment and all life’s questions will suddenly look crystal clear.
Here is a visual of what will actually pan out when life happens:
Let me break down lessons I’ve learned based on the things I already know you’re going to do (or not.)
1) You’ll never feel as good about yourself as you do when you’re being the you’ist version of you there is.
Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that who or how you are is not the most awesome thing ever. Seriously. I don’t care who it is. Your personality, interests, quirks, weirdness and overall Hillary’ness is something that a lot of people are going to really, really love about you. You will meet some amazing folx who are going to absolutely love the crap out of your weirdness and the fact that you march to your own beat.
Anyone who doesn’t appreciate and embrace your you’ness (or criticizes it) is likely dealing with issues of insecurity. This can be hard to see and/or understand but please just trust me on this: you will meet way more people who would never want you to change than you will people who will try to make you smaller.
As the oldest version of you that there has ever been, I can tell you first hand that this is something you will continue to struggle with and question every so often because of what you’ve experienced in your past.
Let that sh*t go.
The sooner you can buy your ticket to board the Hillary AS IS, FTW train, the better your life will be.
CHOO CHOO, MOFOS!
2) If you’re not sure how much he cares about you, it’s because he doesn’t really.
Ouch.
Yup, it’s a tough one but it truly is that simple.
I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you at all, but definitely not enough to make you happy and absolutely not what you deserve. You can chalk it up to timing, trust issues, he’s just a massive d-bag or whatever is causing the road block, but the end result remains the same and the “why” doesn’t matter.
Trust me; if someone truly loves you, you will never at your core question it. Not for a second.
I know for a fact that in the past:
You’ve cut a crap ton of slack.
You’ve stuck around longer than you should have because you wonder -
If you’ve tried hard enough.
If it’s all your fault.
If there will be a sudden pivot, things will drastically improve and you don’t want to peace out before that happens.
But if we’re being honest, you’re afraid that no one will ever love you again and that this is your “last chance.”
Girl, get that hogwash out of your head. Statistically speaking, that’s impossible. Also, why would you ever want to be with someone and feel more lonely than you would on your own?
Trust future you when I say this about your husband: He will love you, and you will know it every single day.
3) The way you’re feeling is not circumstantial. It continues to pop up because you haven’t dealt with it.
The anger and frustration that often bubbles to the surface will not go away once XYZ happens.
“…as soon as I move into my new apartment.”
“…as soon as we get over this rough spot in our relationship.”
“…as soon as I decide on a career path.”
All those times when you felt that nagging feeling that you could be happier or handling things in a more positive way? You’re right about that. Treat and manage it.
It’s called depression.
Don’t be afraid to dig into the stuff that has been eating away at you for years. It’s not going anywhere and it sure as f*ck isn’t going to help you as your life unfolds. If nothing else, figure your sh*t out so you can be the best mom you possibly can be for your kids.
Oh yeah, spoiler: you’ll have 2 kids.
I’ll leave it at that. I know you hate surprises, but I think you’ll be very happy with these two lunatics. They’re really freakin’ cute and you love them more than you could ever accurately express to anyone. Seriously, it’s borderline gross, but I digress.
Your life gets so much better when you deal with it. I promise.
4) People will offer advice, comments and criticism about your choices as a projection of their own sh*t.
That has nothing to do with you. Literally, nothing.
Sometimes folx will do it with the best intentions: to prepare us for what could possibly come up. Sometimes folx will do it because they didn’t have the guts to set out and try in their own life. Your tenacity reminds them of what they did not do.
If you have a truly gut feeling about what you should be doing or how you should be living your life, you are right about it.
You can’t be wrong because it’s your gut feeling and your life.
And here’s the thing; true, what you want for yourself right now may not be what you want in 5 years, and that definitely rattles you. (You still struggle with this in the future, btw.)
However, all of your decisions (even the mistakes!) are there to help you or get where you want or where you need to be. It just may not unfold the way you expected.
Anyone who tells you otherwise and tries to discourage you from doing or being what feels the you’ist? Consider the source and their life experience.
Or don’t.
Then ignore it, and keep going.
Finally…
5) For the love of all that is holy, continue doing the things you love. They will lead you where you need to be.
Be it a career path, a huge life-changing opportunity, a lover or a connection you would never had had otherwise, it will lead you.
And quite frankly you’ll just be f*cking happier, and who doesn’t want that?
With warmth and gusto,